


Radiance

by noodleyful



Category: Supernatural
Genre: But so is Dean, Canon Compliant, Cas is changed by his love for Dean, Castiel POV, Don't Read This, Episode: s15e20 Carry On Coda, Ficlet, I don't show Dean's death, M/M, Mostly The Same As The Finale Though, Post-Canon, So If You HATED It . . ., Spoilers for Episode: s15e20 Carry On, but he arrives in heaven, finale fix-it, so i did slap the Major Character Death tag on
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-21
Updated: 2020-11-21
Packaged: 2021-03-10 00:13:52
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,155
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27654632
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/noodleyful/pseuds/noodleyful
Summary: The first time Castiel held a human soul in his hands, it burned.That soul made Cas who he is.
Relationships: Castiel/Dean Winchester
Comments: 32
Kudos: 64





	Radiance

**Author's Note:**

> Many thanks to violetmatter for edits and also being super supportive and making me actually put this out there. She is the fandom mom I've always wanted <3
> 
> Enjoy!

The first time Castiel held a human soul in his hands, it burned. The soul burned too--he could feel his grace scorching it--but it would survive. It seemed as though it probably could survive much worse.

Castiel wasn’t sure he could.

It was like holding on to a massive sun, white hot and blazing, ready to go supernova, and a dying star, cold and ready to collapse inward, dragging everything around it down when it went, at the same time.

In those few moments while he held it, Castiel knew everything this soul had ever experienced. He’d never experienced pain or joy or pleasure, and the inundation with a lifetime’s worth made him never want to experience it again. It was too much that he’d never felt before, too much that he was unfamiliar with, too much he could never understand.

And then he felt it--a spark of something else. Something more important to this human than anything in the world, Castiel could feel--know that this was all that mattered. Mixed with this soul’s need to care for others, to self-sacrifice for the greater good, there was something that looked an awful lot like fear. It was tangled in a grotesque mass of vines knotted and twisted over one another in a way that Castiel wasn’t sure he could really understand, but he could tell it was there.

This unfathomable thing, this soul, began to burn hotter, like it had noticed him rifling through its insecurities and wanted to push him away. Castiel’s hand began to smoke in response, but he held tight as long as he could, knowing he had a mission to complete.

Castiel released the soul only a few meters below ground in its grave. The pain eased immediately, and Castiel yearned for a deep breath of Earth’s air in relief. He took a moment to observe the soul’s form, and chose not to risk holding it again. This human, _Dean_ \--Castiel recalls the soul’s name from a memory he’d seen--would easily fight his way up towards the light.

As Castiel departed to nurse his seared palm, he briefly understood the revulsion that many angels claimed to feel for humans, thinking of the tangled mess that made up Dean’s soul. But he also felt something else. Perhaps it was pity.

As much as this human--Dean--feared, there seemed to be just as much hope pouring through him. He was afraid he could never love or be loved, but hoped for nothing else.

Castiel remembered the negligence, the beatings, and the starvation that Dean held close to him. He could feel how it all had made Dean feel-- _betrayed, angry, alone_ \--but he couldn’t help but also see Dean’s resilience and dedication and how Dean had protected his brother and every other person he’d come across. Castiel supposed it would be hard to realize if you only could see one half but not the other, but still . . .

How could Dean not tell that love was what his bright, blinding soul was made from?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

In just over a decade, so little time to an angel who had existed for eons--eons of eons, really--Cas had come so far from recoiling at the touch of Dean’s soul. He stood before Dean, and wanted nothing more than to touch his soul again, infusing him with the knowledge that he could be loved. He wanted to scream, “I have proof!” What he ended up doing instead was saying three short words, amongst a lot of longer ones.

When the words finally came out, Cas felt like he was burning just as brightly as Dean’s soul had.

“I love you,” was what he had meant anyway.

But then it was dark.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Perhaps what Cas had felt twelve years ago was just compassion, the simple desire to relieve Dean’s suffering. He wished he'd had time to touch Dean’s soul again and see if his words had helped soften fear’s grip on it. The Empty just laughed and laughed.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

And then his son, their son, was raising him into heaven. It was bright, but just as empty in its own way.

Chuck’s version of heaven--stark and loveless, suppressed and controlled--would never bring Dean, or any human, true joy. Castiel had seen all of Dean, and he knew Dean had no truly perfect memories to relive.

Cas saw that Dean’s bittersweet memories could never compare to the heaven his soul yearned for. The heaven Dean deserved.

So he held out his hand, and together, Jack and Cas rebuilt heaven in Dean’s vision.

Cas reached into his memories of touching Dean’s soul, and he and Jack knocked down the walls in heaven because Dean had been alone. They put families and loved ones near each other because Dean had worked so hard to find love. They made a world without monsters or fear or pain, the paradise Cas had dreamed Jack would bring, because Dean deserved peace.

Cas gave Jack’s hand a final squeeze, and they flooded heaven with endless green forests and innumerable remote highways before Jack left--because Dean had wanted freedom.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Cas could feel Dean’s presence in heaven even before Bobby greeted him. He could always feel where Dean was, now that he had heard so many of Dean’s prayers.

So, he quietly observed. When Dean smiled at the mention of Cas, Cas felt a tug on his heart, and as Dean walked up to Baby, Cas took a moment to load her tape deck with a cassette he knew Dean would like. He felt Dean’s joy when Dean drove unburdened by worry for the first time, and he felt it again when Dean saw Sam had so quickly joined him. Cas turned his attention away from Dean then, to let the brothers have their moment. For Sam, it had been far too long--it wasn’t the time to intrude.

Besides, he didn’t want to find out if he wasn’t meant to be part of Dean’s heaven.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

It took less time than he’d thought to hear a prayer, especially as he wasn’t sure he’d ever hear one again. But, yet again, Dean shocked him, for what Cas felt--so _soon_ after Dean entered heaven--was Dean’s longing.

He found himself back on the bridge, Sam and Dean still looking over the view. The sound of his wings betrayed his presence, but he beheld them together, at peace, for just a moment before Dean turned to look in his direction.

In that instant, Cas realized that what he had felt all those years ago had been empathy. He had known, even then, that it would be easy to find shelter in Dean’s heart--there was so much room. Fearing he couldn’t be loved is what had drawn him to Dean’s all-encompassing light in the first place.

He could tell, because when Dean smiled, Cas couldn’t look away from the radiance.

**END**

**Author's Note:**

> Hey all, this is actually my first published SPN fic. Hilarious to leap into it right now in particular, but I'm apparently a ho for a complete canon. Plus, the finale was a great jumping-off point for some deancas heaven reunion fic!
> 
> I know the finale was rough for a lot of people, but I was just really eager to write something that made it better (to me). If you don't agree with my opinion, or don't like this fic because it's canon-compliant, I ask that you don't bring negativity into the comments and instead go enjoy something that makes you happier. <3
> 
> If you're here from twitter, hello! If not, I'm @angery_noodle and I'm there . . . a lot. I also have a tumblr @somethingaboutnoodles, but I'm hella inactive except for occassionally going full-blast on memes.
> 
> Thanks for reading! I really appreciate it <3


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